Puzzled

I don’t know how to feel for things anymore. Every situation that comes up I always feel completely split about it. It’s not even that there’s some in between feeling like there’s no mutual feeling. Just completely split. 

Example 1: 

When it comes to me graduating; I feel so filled with joy that I never have to come back here and that I am leaving these hateful and dreadful students. However, there is apart of me that is so completely heartbroken about it. I don’t know where all the years went. Am I really this old? Where did my life go? What do I have to show for it? And yet I have done so much so far in life that makes me proud of myself. Completely split in the middle; I have no in between emotions. Just completely overjoyed and completely destroyed.

Example 2:

My ex-boyfriend is moving to Colorado in 15 days. I feel completely depressed that this guy who has been a huge part of my life for over a year now is going across the country and I’m not sure if I’ll ever see him again. Yes we’re broken up but we still talk and hang out and he’s one of my best friends and he’s leaving. But I know I can’t be selfish and tell him to stay because I’ll miss him too much. I have to let him go because this might be the best thing for him and he deserves that. He deserves the best and Connecticut is not offering that to him so maybe Colorado can. I’m not sure anymore… see completely split. I’m torn up at the thought of him not being around town anymore but at the same time I am happy that he is doing something for himself and getting away from here.

I just don’t know how I should I feel anymore or which part of my feelings are better than the other. I’m just so lost.